| Forums > General > "share your jokes!" (187 replies)
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well.. i remembered someone posting this thread. but now it's gone and i wanted to share one of the jokes i have. you could share too.
A man's house is on fire...The man calls the firefighter.
Man: Help me! my house is on fire!
Fireman: How are we getting there?
Man: With an ambulance ofcoarse!!
well that's all. it's a waste of time actually. but do share your jokes!
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Why did seven eat nine?
Because SEVEN, EIGHT(ATE), NINE.
hahahahahaha... ok not funny.. -.-"
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When we were under the Japanese, three guys - Ah Beng, Ah Seng, Ah Meng - were under arrest by the Japanese for refusing to singing the Japanese anthem.
They were sentenced to death on a firing squad (where criminals are shot dead on platform as a punishment).
The trio didn't want to die and started brainstorming about how to escape from the punishment, while they were detained in prison.
Ah Beng thought of an ingenious idea when he realized the Japanese soldiers were afraid of natural disasters... so...
On the day of their sentence, Ah Seng was first to go into the firing squad.
The soldiers shouted, "Ichi, ni..." ( "1, 2" )
Before they were about to shout three, Ah Seng yelled, "Tsunami! Tsunami!"
The soldiers panicked and let Ah Seng slip.
Ah Beng grinned at the success of his plot and reassured Ah Meng about it as he went in.
The soldiers shouted, "Ichi, ni..."
"Tornado! Tornado!"
Again they let Ah Meng slip.
It was Ah Beng's turn. Ah Beng reassured himself about how his ingenious plot would work well if he could be alert to interrupt the soldiers just after two.
"Ichi..."
Ah Beng thought, "Timing, timing is important..."
"Ni..."
"FIRE! FIRE!"
Edited 2.3 years ago. |
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O.o. dont understand the japanese one x.x
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Fire the gun!
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Lol Ah Beng died cuz he shouted fire! He's in a firing squad of course the soldiers fire him la!
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During the Japanese War, there were three children left in a small hut - Ah Beng, Ah Seng and Ah Meng (I just use them for fun). One day they heard the Japanese breaking into their house to raid for the remaining people, so they quickly hid.
Ah Beng hid with the horse. Ah Seng hid with the pig. Ah Meng quickly hid in the potato sacks.
When the army entered, and passed by the stable, Ah Beng neighed, and the Japanese, thinking that the horse was alone, walked past without noticing.
Ah Seng, seeing Ah Beng doing it, oinked when the Japanese walked past, he was also left undiscovered.
Ah Meng, not sure what sounds potato made, quickly said, "Potato, potato, potato!" when the Japanese walked past.
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One fine day, Mee Kia and Tau Sar Pau got into a heated argument.
Tau Sar Pau was very buaysong, so he told Mee Kia, "You watch out! I jio my pau gang hamtam you!"
Another fine day, Tau Sar Pau called up his gang - Leng Yong Pau, Char Siew Pau, Teriyaki Chicken Pau, Black Pepper Chicken Pau, Vegetable Pau, and all other Paus... - and starting hunting for Mee Kia.
However, when the Pau gang met Maggee Mee, the gang beat Maggee Mee up until he was crushed into pieces like Mamee.
Innocent Maggee Mee asked the Pau gang why the latter beat the former up.
Tau Sar Pau said, "DON'T THINK YOU PERM YOUR HAIR I DON'T RECOGNIZE YOU HOR!"
A sequel...
Now the noodles gang damn buaysong the Pau gang, so Maggee Mee called up Mee Kia, Mee Pok, Mee Siam, Laksa etc etc go hamtam Tau Sar Pau.
But the noodles gang ran off in fear because...
When the noodles were beating Tau Sar Pau, Tau Sar Pau's blood is black!!!
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ROFLMAO POTATO POTATO
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This one strictly for the mature...
Ali married Aminah. Ali was so innocent that he did not know how to consummate the marriage (actually he didn't even know the differences of the male and female anatomy).
Aminah got tired of waiting, took off all her clothes one night and lied on the bed. Ali was shocked seeing a naked Aminah. He was more shocked that Aminah had lost her penis.
Ali contacted his neighbour, a doctor.
"Please fix it back for her!!!
Mesti jahit betul betul!!! (Must sew properly!!!)
The doctor asked to be alone with Aminah, took advantage of the situation and had his rounds of fun with Aminah.
After the doctor leaves, Ali enters the room again and found the penis still unattached.
He touched where the penis is supposed to be affixed and felt something sticky.
"Celaka punya doktor, saya suruh dia jahit dia taruh gam!!!
(The bastard doctor, ask him do sewing, he go and put glue!!!)
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HAHAHA Tau Sar. I thought it's Spaghetti?
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OMG PUT GLUE!!!
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This is a political joke
In Singapore, the majority of us live in Highly Dangerous Buildings (HDB),
And most people have already got used to Paying and Paying (PAP).
Not only do you have to pay, you Pay Until Bankrupt (PUB).
If that’s not enough, somebody still Purposely Wants to Dig (PWD) and get more from you.
So what more can you do when you are in the Money Only Environment (MOE)?
With the current Mad Accounting System (MAS),
You are forced to Pay the Sum Ahead (PSA);
Which will leave some people Permanently Owing Some Banks (POSB);
And forced to live on the Loan Techniques Always (LTA) system.
When you fall sick and happen to be admitted to a Money Operating Hospital (MOH),
You might be able to use your Cash Prior to Funeral (CPF) fund.
If you are out of luck, you may meet doctors who Never Use Heart (NUH) to treat you;
And you will be Sure to Give up Hope (SGH).
To help ease the traffic, motorists have to pay Cash On Expressway (COE).
If that doesn’t help, they can always Eternally Rising Prices (ERP) on the road.
If you don’t own a car, you can always make a Mad Rush to the Train (MRT),
OR get squashed in a bus Side By Side (SBS).
Lastly, under all these pressures, there are not many places we can relax,
Not even the good old place we used to go
Because it has become So Expensive and Nothing To See Actually (SENTOSA)!!!
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Oi ernest understand ah?
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A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door.
"Can I come in?" a male voice asks.
"Who is it?" the woman asks.
"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door.
The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway".
The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?"
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Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."
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Hahas.  This thread sure helped me kill time.
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Old joke, but still:
A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he’s ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn’t sleep that night.
He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.
The monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk.”
The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk.”
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
“In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I travelled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception.”
The monks reply, “Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound.”
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is beyond that door.”
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life’s wish is behind that door!
With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound…
But, of course, I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
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LOL I HEARD THAT BEFORE and i was like WTF?!!?! ask me listen so long then gimme that kind of ending wah sian LOL
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Once there lived a Chinese man named Ah Beng (whatever la cannot think of better names LOL). He was often bullied by having all the work pushed to him by his colleages, making him work OT (overtime) often...
So he would work on all the crap until the clock strikes midnight, when he would perfunctorily lock the office before leaving for home.
On the first second of July 19, 2008, Ah Beng strode over the rough path that led to the nearest bus stop. It was a shortcut path that Ah Beng has been taking for years. Although the shortcut path penetrated a dense and spooky forest, he had no choice but this path to take in order to not miss the last bus...
The surrounding forest was unfailingly freezing and cool everytime he walks past it, but he cared about nothing but the bus.
As Ah Beng saw the streak of light from the streetlights, he ran over to the bus stop to secure any possible bus that would come in the nick of time.
Just a few seconds later, the last bus arrived. He boarded the double-decker bus, greeted the driver who he's meeting for years without failure, and walked up the stairs.
BUT...
He heard a breathy feminine voice from the lower deck as he was stepping on the first stair.
"年轻人~ 不可以上去~ 上面危险~~~"
"Young man... cannot go up... upstairs dangerous..."
Ah Beng turned back to see the owner of that uncomfortable voice... and was astonished to see an old lady with pale skin, wearing a white dress, and having lengthy thick strips of white hair. She took after, fully, a pontianak.
Ah Beng assumed that the upper deck was haunted. But which sane guy would choose to sit around such a frightening bitch?! And wait, he hasn't even seen her before for the past few years. Why did she suddenly pop up that day?!
He was plunged into a deep abyss of confusion and bewilderment... Although he was seated in front of the lady, he could vividly feel two streaks of light attacking him from his back. He turned back briefly and saw the lady glancing at him... Oh no...
Yet, Ah Beng safely alighted and went back home...
The next day:
Yet again Ah Beng took the shortcut path, but the coolness of the forest then was piercing through his bones... Why was it so exceptionally cold that day... Was that bitch's soul following him through the path?? Gusts of wind blew him strong as if they were warning him to run asap to the bus stop...
The bus came in the nick of time - he met the same driver again in the same double decker bus and WHAT THE HECK - THE SAME LADY TOO!
Ah Beng was deeply traumatized and was about to run off the upper deck, but this time, the old lady leapt over to him to grab a taut hold of his wrist, with an astonishing speed for a senior citizen like her...
She whispered in her old breathy voice, “年轻人~ 不可以上去~ 上面危险~~~"
Ah Beng felt ashamed to be both physically and MENTALLY dominated by this effing bitch. He wanted to curse her but couldn't. He felt his tongue was tied by an unknown force...
Again he had to endure sitting near her, with her eyes fixated on him. Ah Beng didn't have to see those eyes to affirm that fact, he knew and he could feel those eyes.
Yet, he managed to alight safely and go back home safely
The next day...
Ah Beng chose to ignore all the work that was pushed to him and left a quarter before the strike so he could take the normal path.
The bus arrived, but shockingly, it was the same driver at 11.50 PM.
Before Ah Beng could speak, the driver said “哇阿明！今天你走运了啦！这是今天最后一趟巴士咧！本来还担心你不会早来等巴士。谁知道你真的早来，我们真是有缘啊！”
"Wah Ah Beng! Today you lucky la! This is the last bus for today leh! I scared you won't come early to wait bus, but you really come early sia, we really got affinity leh!"
Yes... Affinity... Seems like Ah Beng was gonna have the affinity with that old lady too...
Indeed...
Ah Beng took no look at the old lady, shirked off her arm, and chose to, with all his might, sit at the upper deck. There was no danger or ghosts whatsoever for that 30 mins of his ride!
Ah Beng was fuming and confronted the old lady when his stop was about to come...
"为什么你讲上面危险？！哪里有危险？！"
(Why you say upstairs got danger! where got danger!?
Guess what the old lady said...
“年轻人~ 不可以上去~ 上面危险~ 上面没有司机~~~”
Young man... cannot go up... upstairs dangerous... upstairs no driver...."
Edited 2.3 years ago. |
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I've got a long joke here!
There's this Malay fisherman called Sulaiman. He was a good fisherman and he sells all his goods. One day, a king named Ibrahim heard about Sulaiman's greatness and how everyone likes him. Since everyone told him to give Sulaiman something good, he did.
Ibrahim: Sulaiman, since I heard you are a good fisherman, I am going to give you want you want.
Sulaiman: Oh.. this is a hard decision...
The next day, the guard heard what Ibrahim said the day before. So he told Sulaiman:
Guard: Give me quarter of your gift. Or else you're gonna die.
Sulaiman just nodded and kept quiet.
Ibrahim: Now, tell me what you want for your gift.
Sulaiman: I want a canning.
Ibrahim: What?! WHY?
Sulaiman: Just cane me for 60 times.
After 20 times..
Sulaiman: STOP! I'll call the guard in.
The guard happily skipped in.
Sulaiman: He asked me for quarter of my gift. Give him the 40 more canning.
Sulaiman smart! 
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LOLs This is kewl.
Starts with E ends with E but only 1 letter inside.
What issit?
Envelope
P/S lame luhh.
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lol day.dreamer i was thinking of the word "eye"
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Yes Jer I understand (: .
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I like the naked one 
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Eh I mean the one bout mummy aunt jane daddy uncle jeff thingum teehee.
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Sorry if that wasn't funny.
Here's another one.
There's a man who is jailed and he is forced to choose either 1 of the 3 prisons to stay in.
The 1st prison contains a ravenous and poisonous cobra.
The 2nd prison contains many lions who have not eaten for a year.
The 3rd prison contains many mines and if you step on any part of the prison you would blow up.
Which prison room did the man choose?
The 2nd one. The lions who have not eaten for a year have already died!
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OMG THIS IS ALMOST THE SAME AS FALLINGCLOUDBBERRIES'S ONE
There was a boy named Michael that lived in a big house near the sea. One day, his sister who was married wanted to visit him and his parents. His sister forgotten to bring the money for the taxi fee. So in the middle of the taxi journey, she called Michael.
Sister: Michael, can you give me money? I have no money to pay the taxi fares.
Michael: I've put the money somewhere already. It's somewhere in front of the house. Only I know..
Sister: Fine. I'll search for it.
When she was out of the taxi (the driver was waiting for her in the taxi to pay), she looked for the money. Then, she called out for Michael.
Michael: I told you already.. only I know it..
Do you want to know the answer?????
Obviously, I don't know the answer because I am not Michael.
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Once there was a mother who has two daughters, named "Earth" and "Breast".
One day, Breast went missing and so, mother brought Earth with her to the Police to report this matter.
"What is the name of your lost daughter?" asked the Policemen.
"Breast." replied mother.
"How big is she?"
"Breast is bigger than Earth." said mother, pointing to Earth.
"......"
Another one.
Sam's mother has 3 sons. One of them is called "One", the other is called "Two". What is the third son's name?
The answer is, "Sam"! Your first reaction should be "Three", right?! (Well, most of my friends' are.)
LOL!! Get it? Haha.
Edited 2.3 years ago. |
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Mouse one went on top of a peanut butter jar and danced. Mouse two came and asked Mouse one :"why are you dancing?" Mouse one said :"It said twist to open"
HAHA! well.. i got this from reader's digest. ;DD
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Lol great jokes
This is a bit vulgar...
A small boy saw his parents fighting. Then his mom called his dad "Bastard" and his dad called his mom "Bitch". He asked them what "Bastard" and "Bitch" were. They said, "Bastard means man, and Bitch means woman.
Then, he went into his brother's room. He heard the brother on the phone with his girlfriend, "Bring the condom over for sex, okay?" So, the little kid asked the brother what "Condom" and "Sex" were. The brother said, "Condom means shoe and Sex means fun."
When he entered the kitchen, he saw his maid chopping chicken. Then the maid accidentally cut her finger and yelled, "FUCK!" He asked what "Fuck" meant. The maid said, "Fuck means chop."
So one night, there was a big party held at the house. The little boy greeted the guests with the following welcome speech:
Dear Bitches and Bastards,
Please take off your Condoms and place them at the door. Please wait while my Bastard dad is Fucking the fish. I hope you enjoy this exciting night and most importantly, have Sex!
Very vulgar
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This is actually a Malay (my Malay friend told me!) joke. It's quite funny by the way.
There are 3 men - Brain, Buttocks, Shut Up. They were walking down the street when Buttocks got lost. Brain and Shut Up panicked like crazy and went straight to the nearest police station, trying to look for Buttocks along the way.
Brain decided to wait outside since he wanted to look for Buttocks.
"How may I help you?" asked the Police.
"I am looking for BUTTOCK!" said Shut Up. Usually, Shut Up calls Buttocks as Buttock.
".........What? What is your name?" the Police face looked really confused.
"Shut Up!" said Shut Up impatiently. He got on his feet and even kicked the table.
"Where the hell is your brain?!?!!" the Police shouted.
"Oh. Brain outside le." replied Shut Up.
HAHAHAHAH!
Edited 2.3 years ago. |
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2nd version of pred!a-tor's joke. Nice joke there man.
One night, Sally heard her sister talking to her boyfriend at the living room.
"Baby, make sure you bring the lingerie tomorrow okay? I'll wear it while we are having sex."
"Sis! Sis! Sis! I've got something to tell you."
"Yeah, Sally? What do you want? Make it quick okay.
"Who's that?"
"Oh. He's my bitch."
Then, she went upstairs to ask her brother....
"Brother, brother!"
"What? What now, Sally?"
"What does lingerie, sex and bitch mean?"
"Lingerie is a lovely present for friends. Sex means upside down. Bitch means friend. Okay?
"Okay!"
The next day, during 'asking questions' class, Olivia, said to Sally, it was her birthday.
"Sally! It's my birthday today! Remember, you promised me to buy something lovely?"
"Oh. I'll buy you a lingerie! That would be perfect.
"WTF?"
Then, the teacher was talking about the Earth.
"What happens if the Earth will be upside down?"
"Oh me! Me teacher me!"
"Okay, Sally. What's your answer?"
"Sex."
"-____-"
She started talking to Olivia again.
"Hey bitch!"
"What is this language, Sal?!?!!?"
"My brothers."
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! funny one. i heard switchfigures's joke before from my friends too. but reading them once more made me want to laugh laugh laugh. hhahaa!
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A rich, blonde woman entered the Mercedes-Benz showroom and came out 10 minutes later with the latest model. However, an hour later, she returned, saying that the gear-box was damaged. Mercedes thus gave her another car. However, in another hour later, she returned, saying that this car was damaged too. Mercedes was very puzzled, and thus asked one of the engineers to check the car for any problems, but the engineer's results were negative. The blonde, infuriated, went into the car and turned on the engine. "Look at this!" She shifted into the first gear, then second, then third, fourth and fifth. "Now for rocket." She pulled the gear into the 'R' position and the car started to drive backwards.
Okay, not funny.
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Let's get into the Halloween spirit, shall we?
Q: Why do ghosts make good cheerleaders?
A: They have a lot of spirit.
Q: Why was the skeleton afraid of the dark?
A: It had no guts.
Q: Where do ghosts go for vacation?
A: The Dead Sea.
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Okay I've got a totally lame joke.
This guy washed his shirt, but it shrunk, although there was a "No Shrink" label on it.
Guy: "Eh, I yesterday buy this shirt from you ah, the label say "No Shrink", but I wash liao then the shirt shrink, now I can't wear sia."
Manager: "Sir, the label didn't shrink, did it?"
Lol that was lame o.O
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Why can't the Biology teacher date the Physics teacher?Because they have no chemistry between them.
but in my school,there's a love triangle between a physics teacher,bio teacher and chem teacher.
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ok,i know that wasn't funny.
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one day, tao sa pau and char siew pau went to watch a movie.
char siew pau cried alot but tao sa pau din cry, why?
because they got different filling(feeling)!!! [hahahaha!!]
another day, char siew pau went to watch another movie with man tou.
char siew pau cried alot, again, but man tou didn't cry, why?
because man tou got no filling(feeling)!!! [HAHAHAAA!!!!!]
the next afternoon, char siew pau went to watch yet another movie with da pau.
char siew pau cried alot, once again, but this time, he realised da pau cried even harder, why?
because da pau got more filling(feeling)!!! [HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!!!!!!!!!!]
yeah. that's the end of my joke sharing. LOL.
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-/LittleMiss.BABIE OMG That was darn funny.
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