| Forums > General > "share your jokes!" (187 replies)
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well.. i remembered someone posting this thread. but now it's gone and i wanted to share one of the jokes i have. you could share too.
A man's house is on fire...The man calls the firefighter.
Man: Help me! my house is on fire!
Fireman: How are we getting there?
Man: With an ambulance ofcoarse!!
well that's all. it's a waste of time actually. but do share your jokes!
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Haha.
There was this man named Mr. Smelly. He thought he was not smelly but he really was and people keep on complaining.
One day, the mother talked to him.
Mother: Smelly, you are really smelly. You need to improve on your smell!
Smelly: But this is the maximum un-smelly I can get!
Mother: The worst smell ever!!!
The next day, as he was going to work, he doesn't want to get insulted. So, he bathe himself 10 times, spill on perfume everywhere (not spray it, SPILL it) and then use the rubbing soap all over his body without washing but wiping with a tissue.
When he was at his workplace, his clique looked at him wildly.
Clique: There's this superbly........ SMELLY SMELL.
Mr. Smelly: Well, it's not me anymore!
Clique: -traces the smell- think again?
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Haha(: dunt quite understand it though ... ^^
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hmm , i oso finding new jokes
haha
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kyuria: o.O i don't get it ):
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dont really get kyuria's joke. hmm.. but guessing that it'll be funney (:
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"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city. The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
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"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
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A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, ma'am! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
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My parents recently retired. Mom always wanted to learn to play the piano, so dad bought her a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, I asked how she was doing with it. "Oh, we returned the piano." said My Dad, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet instead."
"How come?" I asked. "Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing."
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Your mom's so fat she can't even jump to a conclusion.
okay mean- :S
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Your mom's so fat that when she jump for joy, she got stucked :@. Hehs.
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Lol, a dirty joke.
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Sorry if you don't get my joke!
Mr. Lee was driving a car on a highway when he saw a cat. There were no cars, so he stopped.
Which 'thing' will go down?
Answer: The speed meter!
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I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!
Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
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more jokes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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A Brunette, a Redhead and a Blonde escape a burning building by climbing to the roof. Firemen are on the street below, holding a blanket for them to jump in. The firemen yell to the Brunette, "Jump! Jump! It's your only chance to survive!" The Brunette jumps and SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away. The Brunette slams into the sidewalk like a tomato.
"C'mon! Jump! You gotta jump!" say the firemen to the Redhead. "Oh no! You're gonna pull the blanket away!" says the Redhead. "No! It's Brunettes we can't stand! We're OK with Redheads!" "OK," says the Redhead, and she jumps. SWISH! The firemen yank the blanket away, and the lady is flattened on the pavement like a pancake. Finally, the Blonde steps to the edge of the roof. Again, the firemen yell, "Jump! You have to jump!"
"No way! You're just gonna pull the blanket away!" yelled the Blonde.
"No! Really! You have to jump! We won't pull the blanket away!"
"Look," the Blonde says. "Nothing you say is gonna convince me that you're not gonna pull the blanket away! So what I want you to do is put the blanket down, and back away from it..."
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This is my joke. Please read it, and LAUGH after that because it's very funny.
A fat and 78 year old woman named Hilda bought a dog that costs a cent. She never had children, or, neither did she got married to another man. She wanted to get married with this 20 year old man, but too bad, he's 58 years younger than her. Her life was rather small, creepy and lonely, she that's why she bought that dog.
Her dog's name was 'Nene'.
So one day, she was at a shop at a void deck. She left her dog outside the shop because no dogs are allowed in the shop. She bought milk and when she came out, the dog was still there. But suddenly, someone took her milk from her! A thief!!!
So, the poor dog ran after the thief. But, the theif ran over the other side of the land. He passed by the road, and then, drank the milk!
The poor dog got tired and stopped in the middle of the road. But suddenly, he got SQUISHED by two vehicles! Poor little doggy, thought Hilda who had no feelings. She took out her 1972 handphone and dialed 999.
"HEY, POLICE HERE?! SOMEONE SQUISH MY NENE AND DRINK MY MILK!"
I know! It's so funny
Edited 2.5 years ago. |
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LOL at berryballs's joke! hahahahhaha!!
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Here's another:
At a wedding, lady was supposed to play the violin but one of her chords snapped. Her husband went to the microphone and said: "We apologise and regret that my wife cannot perform, her G-string just broke".
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Nice jokes 
I got one, it's something like berryballs's.
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand.... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." And the doctor said, "Look, mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend, so get yourself a dog."
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pred!a-tor
LOL LOL LOL.
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In a flat, there were this people: 4th floor a man that loves to juggle knifes, 3rd floor a woman with big boobs, 2nd floor a man that likes to paint things white, 1st floor a man that loves to eat pau.
So one day the man that loved to juggle knifes accidentally dropped the knife down, cut the womans boobs, drop to the white paint, fell to the 1st floor and the man that loves pau ate it up. Lol,:-D
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Ah Beng: Eh, Ah Lao, why you cook so slow ah? My grandmother cook faster liao!
Ah Lao: Then ask your grandmother cook lah! She outside what!
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i have a joke like berryballs
a woman has a dog named nene. One day a thief went into her house to steal some items.. but couldnt find any... So out of anger he squeezed the cat. After that he went to look sth in her room. Couldnt find any so he tore a shirt out of anger. He felt thirty thus he went to open the fridge and drank milk. The woman quickly called the police and said " a man tore my shirt, squeeze my nene and drank my milk"
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Hahahahahas  D The jokes are hilarious lah! c|:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
HEHEHES 
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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?
Hope you think they are funnyyy! x)
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@/LuckyStar.!★
LOL so funny
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LOL FadingLove_x !
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